My Own Jokes!
What do you call a hat on a knee? A knee cap!
What did the football coach tell the dog? You're going in as the tail back!

Other Jokes!
Why did the Sun go to School? 
It went to get brighter!
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. 
Couldn't concentrate.

what do you mean you can’t hang out I showered for this!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
What did the light-bulb say to the ground?
 WATTS up!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing he just waved!
Why couldn't the kid go to the pirate move? because it was rated R!
I thought it was an Earthquake, but I was having a rough day!
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.
Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
Why don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
She broke into song when she couldn't find the key.
Who runs the Keebler elves' answering service ? The Tree-ceptionist.
When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.
Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk.
A gossiper is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.



What do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
 Fleece Navidad!
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? 
 Ribbon hood.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles? 
 A porcupine!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? 
 It's Christmas, Eve.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? 
 Because he had low elf esteem.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Holly-wood.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? 
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

4th Of July JOKES 

Q: Why did the British cross the Atlantic? 
A: To get to the other tide!
Q: What did a patriot put on his dry skin? 
 A: Revo-lotion!
Q: Which colonists told the most jokes? 
 A: Punsylvanians!
Q: Where did George Washington buy his hatchet? 
 At the chopping mall!
Q: Why were the early American settlers like ants? 
A: Because they lived in colonies.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy? 
A: A bald beagle!
Q: What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for England? A: Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!
Teacher: "Who wrote: Oh say, can you see?" 
Student: "An eye doctor?"


Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg? 
A. Because it was a little chicken!
Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? 
A. Bugs Bunny!
Q. What do you call a dumb bunny? 
A. A hare brain!
Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? 
A. A receding hareline!
Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. Eggercise!
Q. How do you get letter to a bunny? 
A. Hare mail!
Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
 A. A bunion!
Q. What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
 A. A harenet!
Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies? 
A. To the hare-after!
Q. What do you call it when a rabbit has an accident with a knife? 
A. A hare cut!
Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
 A. 14 carrot gold!


Most New Years resolutions go in one year and out the other.
Best New Year’s Resolution: Start giving up on giving up.
The best way to keep a New Year’s resolution is to keep it to yourself.
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
(Sorry that's all the new years jokes I could find)


Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? 
 A: Plymouth Rock!
Why do you eat a turkey rather than keep it as a pet? 
 Because otherwise it will use fowl language on you.
If pilgrims were alive today, what would they say? 
 Do not resuscitate.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? 
What's a pilgrim's mother called? 
What was the turkey suspected of? 
 Fowl play
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Why don't you let a turkey get near corn? 
 Because they will gobble, gobble, gobble it.
What do you call it when you drop a turkey from a helicopter? 
 Dead weight.
Why do you eat a turkey rather than keep it as a pet? 
Because otherwise it will use fowl language on you.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
 To get to the other side.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?


Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? 
A: A sand-witch.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire? 
A: You suck.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football? 
A: Over the ghoul line.
Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? 
A: Whipped scream.
Q: What instrument do skeleton play? 
A: Trom-BONE.
Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast? 
A: Boo-Berries.
Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine? 
A: To stop his coffin.
Q: What type of dog does every vampire have? 
A: Bloodhound!
Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? 
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.


Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
  A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish? 
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? 
A:Short ribs!
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
  A: A leper con
Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leaf clovers?
A: They need all the luck they can get!
Q: Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
A: I haven't either!
Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!
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